How do I get my boyfriend to work on his avoidant attachment?
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. At first things were great. He told me that I was “The One”, he did romantic things, messaged me every day, we spent time together, not as much as I wanted but it was still good.
But recently I feel like he’s pulling back. Like sometimes he takes ages to reply to my messages and it drives me crazy cos I want to message him but I don’t want to double-text and look needy. But inside I’m like waiting and when he does finally reply it’s such a relief yet I feel angry at the same time. I try to act cool about it, but sometimes I also take my time to reply so he knows what it feels like.
And we’re meeting less and less cos he says he’s busy with work or friends. But he doesn’t invite me to come along. And sometimes when we meet, he seems distracted and distant and it makes me think that he’s not interested anymore and wants to break up with me. And after we meet, he’ll like ignore me for a day or two.
I’ve tried asking him if everything is OK and he says it is. I’ve also asked him if he can reply to me more quickly and if we can meet more often. But he doesn’t seem happy when I raise these issues, and it feels like he pulls away more.
I was reading about avoidant attachment and I think my boyfriend has that. How do I bring this up with him and get him to work on his avoidance? I want things to be like how they were when we first got together.
Feeling Sad, 25
(The responses here are not intended to be a substitute for individual therapy and should be viewed as educational in nature. For personalised support, please reach out to a helping professional.)
Dear Feeling Sad
It’s painful and scary to feel that someone you love is pulling away from you and may even leave you, and it’s understandable to want your loved ones to heal.
Attachment patterns are not so straightforward to assess. There are free self-report assessments like the Attachment Style Test and the Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey that can give you an indication of what your attachment style is likely to be. However these would not be as accurate as an interview-type assessment, such as the Adult Assessment Interview (AAI).
It’s also easy for people with insecure attachment patterns to misintepret people with secure attachment patterns. For example, someone with secure attachment might not check or respond to their messages for a few hours because they’re busy, but their anxious partner might intepret that as avoidant. Or conversely someone with an avoidant attachment pattern might think their secure partner is anxious for wanting to meet at least once a week.
Something else to bear in mind is that if your boyfriend does in fact have an avoidant attachment pattern, he would be hypervigilant to criticism of any kind, and being told he’s avoidant might be taken as criticism, which would make him feel defensive.
My approach is therefore always to start with ourselves. You can take the free assessments above to see what your own attachment pattern is likely to be, read up about it, and work on yourself. When we heal and start to become more securely attached, we’re more able to discern whether other people are securely or insecurely attached. We’re also more able to self-regulate and create emotional safety for our partner. And while this may be difficult to hear right now, we’re also more able to walk away if the relationship is not right for us.
It’s not a guarantee, but it’s also possible that as you work on yourself, your boyfriend may be curious about the changes he sees in you and inspired to learn more and work on himself. But ultimately the end goal should be your own growth and happiness, so that you can learn how to be secure in yourself and in all your relationships, whether romantic, familial or platonic.
Wishing you wellness,
Eunice