Does sharing my problems with my child create anxious attachment?
Dear Eunice
I read somewhere that telling my child my problems will give her anxious attachment.
But doesn’t it bring us closer together if we can tell each other our problems and support each other? And isn’t it good for my daughter to learn what the world is really like? My mum told me her problems too, and it made me feel close to her.
My daughter is so mature for her age (she’s 10) and she actually gives me great advice. But I do notice that she can get stressed sometimes. And sometimes I can tell she’s a bit upset about something but when I ask her she doesn’t really tell me much.
Confused Mum, 37
(The responses here are not intended to be a substitute for individual therapy and should be viewed as educational in nature. For personalised support, please reach out to a helping professional.)
Dear Confused Mum
It sounds like you and your daughter have a special relationship, but you have some concerns as to whether your daughter might have an anxious attachment style and whether you might be contributing to that.
Children need five primary conditions from their caregivers to develop secure attachment: safety, attunement, soothing, expressed delight and encouragement to explore. When the primary caregiver shares their problems with the child to seek support, the roles are reversed:
Instead of the parent providing emotional safety for the child, the child has to provide it for the parent.
Instead of the parent attuning to the child’s mood and feelings, the child has to be sensitive to the parent’s emotions.
Instead of the parent soothing and comforting the child, the child has to listen to and reassure the parent.
The child thinks they have to do all this in order to maintain the bond with the parent, to earn their love and approval. The child thinks that if their parent needs them, their parent will not abandon them.
However, children are not developmentally ready to take on the role of supporting their parent. What happens is that the child learns that their parents are not emotionally safe and stable, and that other people’s needs and feelings are more important than theirs. The child become less attuned to their own emotions and less able to self-soothe when upset. They may also be less willing to share negative feelings with their parent for fear of upsetting the parent, which would make the child feel worse. Or conversely, the child may focus on and amplify their negative feelings in order to get attention from and bond with their parent.
Here are some tips for you to consider:
Awareness: Explore and work on your own attachment style. You can get an indication by taking this free 5-minute quiz, and then read up about it.
Self-regulation: Learn how to regulate and soothe your emotions independently. There are many techniques, such as breathing, grounding and mindfulness. Find a few that work for you and practise using them.
Get support: Share your problems with an emotionally safe and mature adult, e.g. your partner, sibling, friend or a helping professional.
Be the parent: Remember that it’s your job to be the parent, and your child’s job to be a child. Focus on being a calm, consistent presence for your daughter, being attuned to her needs and feelings, soothing her when she’s upset, expressing delight in who she is not what she does, and encouraging and supporting her to explore and be her best self. Find healthy ways of bonding with your daughter, e.g. by having fun together.
Seek therapy: If you know or suspect that you have unresolved trauma or loss in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional support. There are newer techniques available like MEMI (Multichannel Eye Movement Integration) and Brain-Switch 2.0 that can process trauma and loss quite painlessly in a single session. If you struggle to cope with your own attachment patterns, techniques like the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol can also help to create secure attachment in the client in a gentle way.
Attachment patterns are highly transmissible to children. The bad news is that if you have an insecure attachment pattern (anxious, avoidant or disorgnised), your child is highly likely to have an insecure attachment pattern as well (not necessarily the same as yours). But the good news is that if you are able to heal your own attachment patterns and get to “earned security”, you will be able to help your child to develop secure attachment as well.
Wishing you wellness,
Eunice