Why we hold on to painful memories
When something bad happens to us, we usually want to forget about it as soon as possible.
But sometimes we can’t. And there are good reasons for that.
It keeps us safe
Pain is the body’s way of keeping us safe.
If you touch something hot, it hurts. Now you’ll remember not to touch it again, or at least wear gloves.
If someone hurt you badly, holding on to this memory reminds you to stay away from people who might hurt you.
If the painful memory had some good parts, we might want to hold on to those.
We get used to it
When we’ve lived with a painful memory for a long time, we get used to the pain.
We learn how to avoid the triggers, suppress the pain, and hide it from others.
Sometimes the pain even becomes part of our identity. Who would we be without it?
The cure is worse
You may have talked to family and friends about what happened. But perhaps you felt judged or misunderstood, or were given unhelpful advice.
You might have gone to a therapist. But traditional talk therapy often requires you to talk about a traumatic memory in detail, which can be retraumatising for some.
Or maybe you feel that you can’t afford the time, money and mental energy for therapy. Most of all, you can’t afford to unravel right now. You’ve got to keep it together for your family, for work.
But at what cost?
Painful or traumatic memories manifest in our lives in various ways.
You might feel fatigued or have headaches, aches and pains. Emotional pain often makes itself felt in our bodies.
You might feel anxious, irritable or hypervigilant. Your brain is constantly scanning for danger.
You might be easily distracted, not engaged and fully present. It takes a lot of mental effort not to think about something.
You might feel numb or flat. When we practise avoiding and suppressing our “negative” emotions, it tends to apply to all our emotions.
You might feel distant from family and friends. It’s hard to relax and just be yourself, even with people you love.
What’s the alternative?
MEMI (Multichannel Eye Movement Integration) was created to deal with traumatic memories in a quick, gentle and lasting way.
You don’t have to talk about the memory in detail unless you want to.
For the vast majority of my clients, the painful memory is resolved in one to three sessions.
After MEMI, you’ll still be able to recall the memory, but it will feel more distant and you’ll have more perspective on it.
You’ll hold on to the good parts of the memory, if there were any, and they will be clearer and sweeter.
You’ll feel more relaxed in your body and at peace with yourself.
You’ll feel more free to live and love your life.
Get in touch
Feel free to get in touch for a free introductory call or to arrange a session.
Eunice Tan
Trauma & Attachment Psychotherapist, Free From Trauma
I help people heal from painful memories.
